Walloping Airporter
by Kathleen Meyer
February 2012
Surprises. We tend to think of them as joyous events, laced with delight and romance: as in, a box of Valentine chocolates, a thoughtful compliment, or perhaps in the backcountry, the first buttercup of spring. But my Webster’s says the verb “surprise” is also defined as “to take”—or be taken—“suddenly by storm.” The jolt implied can range from a three-year-old’s enduring a gentle “boo” on Halloween, to a near-collision with someone who comes flying around the end of a grocery store aisle, to some horrific encounter deserving of the label Monster Assault. A couple friends of mine, a mother-daughter team, were once taken by tornado in the bustle of an international airport; it happened four hours after consuming a breakfast of (it was later deemed) spoiled pork sausage. After that day, episodes of intestinal mayhem became known in their family as “airporters,” and neither one of them ever again ventured forth without carrying a spare pair of slacks.

The unleashing of an airporter is not caused by proximity to asphalt and concrete; it can hit hard on a sandy path in the outback or, during the current month where I live, on a snow-laden trail through the forest. There was a time when I believed that a disaster of such indecorous distinction must excuse a person from responsible human waste disposal. Goodness knows, it happen to me more than once, and I ended up applying a quick sprinkle of leaves or a hurried placement of handy bark and then sprinting away, begging forgiveness from Mother Nature. Nowadays, though, it’s a cinch to be prepared, even for a Green Apple Two-Step.

See the
Poo & Pee Products (on this site) for Solo Poop-Packer Systems. The double-bag throwaway products come equipped with T.P.- and a sanitary wipe. Because they contain magic poop powders and comply with EPA guidelines, they can be tossed into any garbage can.

Even so, there’s always the spur-of-the-moment saunter, and there’s the morning you wake up in an absent-minded fog and leave your potty paraphernalia at home; for these, you’ll want to have a couple of mitigating maneuvers up your sleeve. Mitigating for you and for our Mother. Thus, if you have the least minute of warning, head for the high ground away from any water courses that your deposit could contaminate. If other people are present, dive also for cover, where you’ll find that trees and bushes, because they collect heat, often shelter unfrozen ground. No time to dig a hole? Excavate afterward, right next door. No trowel? Employ a stout stick, a sharp stone, or, in places where the humus is rich and loamy, your bare fingers. As a substitute for toilet paper, grab a handful of snow. Then bulldoze your leaving into the hole, making sure also to bury the soiled implement.

To avoid such scenarios altogether, after each sojourn, stash fresh squatting gear in your fanny pack, ammo can, or vehicle.

FUD of the Month: Uri-Mate Protector www.uri-mate.com
Uri-Mate Head Office
32 Hartley Road
London, E11 3BL UK

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Unfolding a Uri-Mate Protector

For the traveling woman: this cone of thin white cardboard with its delicate pink-rose graphic is by far the smallest and sweetest of the disposable paper funnels. Comes folded into the size of a tea bag, although flatter. Sells (3 cones to a pack) with a 5-pack $9.95. Instructions in English and Spanish. Available on-line from distributors in UK, US, and Venezuela. Confused about FUDs? Check my blog Archive What’s Up? A Festival and FUDS.
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Comments
Walloping Airporter
by Kathleen Meyer
February 2012
Surprises. We tend to think of them as joyous events, laced with delight and romance: as in, a box of Valentine chocolates, a thoughtful compliment, or perhaps in the backcountry, the first buttercup of spring. But my Webster’s says the verb “surprise” is also defined as “to take”—or be taken—“suddenly by storm.” The jolt implied can range from a three-year-old’s enduring a gentle “boo” on Halloween, to a near-collision with someone who comes flying around the end of a grocery store aisle, to some horrific encounter deserving of the label Monster Assault. A couple friends of mine, a mother-daughter team, were once taken by tornado in the bustle of an international airport; it happened four hours after consuming a breakfast of (it was later deemed) spoiled pork sausage. After that day, episodes of intestinal mayhem became known in their family as “airporters,” and neither one of them ever again ventured forth without carrying a spare pair of slacks.

The unleashing of an airporter is not caused by proximity to asphalt and concrete; it can hit hard on a sandy path in the outback or, during the current month where I live, on a snow-laden trail through the forest. There was a time when I believed that a disaster of such indecorous distinction must excuse a person from responsible human waste disposal. Goodness knows, it happen to me more than once, and I ended up applying a quick sprinkle of leaves or a hurried placement of handy bark and then sprinting away, begging forgiveness from Mother Nature. Nowadays, though, it’s a cinch to be prepared, even for a Green Apple Two-Step.

See the
Poo & Pee Products (on this site) for Solo Poop-Packer Systems. The double-bag throwaway products come equipped with T.P.- and a sanitary wipe. Because they contain magic poop powders and comply with EPA guidelines, they can be tossed into any garbage can.

Even so, there’s always the spur-of-the-moment saunter, and there’s the morning you wake up in an absent-minded fog and leave your potty paraphernalia at home; for these, you’ll want to have a couple of mitigating maneuvers up your sleeve. Mitigating for you and for our Mother. Thus, if you have the least minute of warning, head for the high ground away from any water courses that your deposit could contaminate. If other people are present, dive also for cover, where you’ll find that trees and bushes, because they collect heat, often shelter unfrozen ground. No time to dig a hole? Excavate afterward, right next door. No trowel? Employ a stout stick, a sharp stone, or, in places where the humus is rich and loamy, your bare fingers. As a substitute for toilet paper, grab a handful of snow. Then bulldoze your leaving into the hole, making sure also to bury the soiled implement.

To avoid such scenarios altogether, after each sojourn, stash fresh squatting gear in your fanny pack, ammo can, or vehicle.

FUD of the Month: Uri-Mate Protector www.uri-mate.com
Uri-Mate Head Office
32 Hartley Road
London, E11 3BL UK

Stacks Image 287

Unfolding a Uri-Mate Protector

For the traveling woman: this cone of thin white cardboard with its delicate pink-rose graphic is by far the smallest and sweetest of the disposable paper funnels. Comes folded into the size of a tea bag, although flatter. Sells (3 cones to a pack) with a 5-pack $9.95. Instructions in English and Spanish. Available on-line from distributors in UK, US, and Venezuela. Confused about FUDs? Check my blog Archive What’s Up? A Festival and FUDS.
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Comments
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© 2011 by Author Kathleen Meyer  •  All Rights Reserved 
Web site design by
RapidRiver.us

© 2011 by Author Kathleen Meyer  •  All Rights Reserved 
Web site design by
RapidRiver.us